How To Fashion – by an Unfashionista

By Riley.

The personification of me and fashion. (No, not her — HER.)

You’d be forgiven for thinking I know what I’m talking when it comes to fashion. After all, the weekly ASOS orders and bi-weekly Zara splurges should have earned me a CFDA Lifetime Achievement Award by now – but I couldn’t tell you what’s trendy if my entire wardrobe depended on it (that was a joke. Please don’t take my wardrobe).

Yes, this blog will bring you fashion posts a-plenty — but this will be the last one you see from me. What I lack in fashion sense and style I make up for in enthusiasm and debt, so here are a few tricky situations I’ve encountered while trying to navigate myself around the world that is “fashion”, and how I’ve overcome them…

  • You’re not sure what that vomit green (total bargain, btw) leather jacket will go with, but Olivia Culpo has one so it’s gotta be right. Right?
    Chances are, nothing — so lie that bad boy at the end of your bed, tag still intact, and dance around it for the next 7 days until you take the walk of shame back to the shop.
  • You think lace looks too girly on you.
    Grunge it up with chunky boots. If that doesn’t work – grow a beard.
  • Hardly anything in your wardrobe will go with pink.
    Throw it out. Throw it all out. Then buy more pink stuff. Hell, why not just drop out of beauty school and rename yourself Frenchy while you’re at it.
  • You dig the puffa trend, but think it makes you look like a walking, talking marshmallow.
    Walk around with a bag of Flumps permanently fixed to your hand… anyone who can’t differentiate between the two doesn’t deserve a place in your life. Plus — what even is bloated?
  • You can’t decide if this jumper is the best thing ever or the biggest mistake of your life and need to call in backup.
    Always approach friends for advice via Whatsapp. If the lapse between blue tick and reply exceeds 6 seconds then forget it. Regardless of what they say next, THEY HATE IT.

I don’t know about you, but I’m happy pricing Low-High on Asos and sussing out what’s going to hide a pizza baby. Now if you’ll excuse me — I’ve got some Sunday splurging to do! And please do share your own fashion inadequacies below… maybe we could go shopping sometime.

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