By Emilie. And why it’s OK to ditch them.
You’re friends… but then sometimes she makes those bitchy little comments. You’re friends… but then she flakes out on you all the time. You’re friends… but every time you have a conversation you come away from it feeling shit about yourself. Ya feel us? It’s hard to know when a friendship is really, properly over – in a lot of ways.
But in other ways, it’s not at all. Basically, you can boil it right down to one thing, and it’s this: is she happy when good things happen to you? Y’know, things like: a new job, relationship, house, travel opportunity, really excellent pair of shoes, etc.
a) Yes, always
b) No, not always
If you answered a) then congratulations, you are the lucky owner of a proper, genuine friendship. Treasure it. If you answered b) then we’re sorry to say that things are not quite so rosy. But we’re guessing you probably knew that already…
We’re going to start off by sharing our own story. And like all good stories, it starts off with A Change. The change in this instance was that I got a promotion over my friend. It’s not an uncommon situation by any means, but it is one that seems to be pretty ruinous for female friendships, at least in my experience.
The timeline of events was as follows… First was the ‘congratulatory’ email which was basically a Tarantino-worthy take-down dressed up as something sweet and kind and lovely. But in our head: shots officially fired. Then came the comments. Only one or two at first – ‘Have you not heard of [insert important work-related thing here]?’ – and then more frequently, seemingly a way of positioning herself as more knowledgeable, more switched on, more deserving of that promotion. It was clear what was happening right from the off, and while I was happy to give her the benefit of the doubt at first, in the end, the realisation just hit. It went like this…
She isn’t happy for me > friends should be happy for me > I guess she isn’t a friend
We never had an argument about it, the friendship just stopped. We’d still be polite to each other in work, but anything else… nope. In my head, she’d a crossed a line, and if there ever was an apology or a change in her behaviour then we probably could find our way back… but, well, I guess I’m still waiting. And I’m OK with that.
I’m not saying end every friendship that has a few little prickly bits. Sometimes you might be able to stay friends with the person, just in a less invested way. Y’know, you still enjoy chatting shit with them on a Saturday night, but you won’t call them when you’re going through a hideous break-up. People have different friends for different spaces in their lives – as long as you both know where you stand then it’s OK.
Just know your worth and invest your time in the people that matter. Because, life is busy, and you can’t be entertaining bullshit when there are queens to hang with.